Monthly Archives: May 2006

NEWS To Make Your Head SPIN

OK! Not the kind of news that would have the Editor scream "STOP THE PRESS"… Yet, fits this quote from Jerry Seinfeld :

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

So today, I shall tap into the drunk world for some news:

ITEM 1: Driver 'so drunk he should have been dead'

Vidmantas Sungaila was 18 times over the legal limit, but still managed to drive his truck, recognize the police and even stop for a breathalyzer test… Why do I get the feeling, there is drunk out there, who is probably going to interpret this news as an open challenge and make an attempt for 19 times over the limit… But the person, who probably could have challenged this has quit drinking (See ITEM 2)

ITEM 2: HOUSE FOR RENT: 2 BEDS,1 BATH ..AND 70,000 EMPTY BEER CANS

The investigative reporter has narrowed down the numbers to 24 beers/day within a span of eight years…

ITEM 3: Teacher accused of showing up drunk

With the shortage of Industrial Arts Teachers in US, I'm pretty sure Mr.Johnson will probably show up to class again…

ITEM 4: Unlicensed, drunk car thief risks life in fast lanes

To drink and drive is bad, but to drink, steal and drive without a license is simply cool…

ITEM 5: Man charged with stealing gum ball machine from police station

The man was smart enough to let his drunk friend to drive the car, so the gum ball machine theft should be pardoned…

ITEM 6: Indian court protects wife after drunk husband mumbled ‘divorce’

OK… So the Muslim Clerics in this story had no problem with the husband being drunk (I was always under the impression that drinking was a sin in Islam) and they want to separate a couple that wants to live together? IMHO, a few people need to sober up and it ain't the husband…

ITEM 7: Man With Two Prosthetic Legs, Deaf Man Brawl In Bar

No Comments!!!

ITEM 8: Woman miscarries after scuffle with drunk men

Waiting to see the judgment on this case… The last thing I need to hear from the judge is drunkenness being used as an excuse…

ITEM 9: Bride rejects drunk groom

A standing ovation to the Bride! I mean, if you can't be sober for your wedding, then this match is heading towards hell…

ITEM 10: Drunk man arrested after fighting with police

If you're drunk and have an urge to fight, pick your opponents from ITEM 7… Don't mess around with cops who can use guns and self-defense as an argument to shoot you…

ITEM 11: Cop charged with drunk driving

Please make changes to my comments on ITEM 10… The change should read: It's ok to pick a fight with a drunk cop…

ITEM 12: Driving drunk a sin, cardinal tells Indian Catholics

Driving drunk is not a sin; it's simply a dumb thing to do… Please Cardinal Vithayathil, I think we have enough things added to the Sin Column, no need to expand it…

And with that, SPIN shall end its 12 ITEM Program… (Meant for drunks who are too drunk to complete AA's 12-STEP Program) …

 

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And Now Everybody Wants To Be Liberal Leader…

rd.jpgAs soon as the Simpleton heard the words “Dr.Ruby Dhalla might be running for the Liberal Leadership,” he knew the time has come to start looking at the list of names of the candidates who will not be running because that list seems to be much shorter…

Rarely does a guy get to say ” I have a crush on a politician,” (not to be confused with “I want to crush a Politican” which has been said many times) but now the Simpleton will shamelessly use those words… I mean, just look at her (or click on her name for better pictures)… And I think its about time Snowland finally got a young, beautiful and talented Liberal Prime Minister (I say Liberal here because even the Simpleton knows about the list of things never to ask from Conservatives)…

But do I really think Ruby has any shot at being a Prime Minister (or even a less important role as the leader of the Liberal Party)… Most probably not for another 20 years… And this has very little to do with either race or gender… It has more to do with her age … I think a 15 year old kid has a better chance than Ruby… For some weird reason, people have a hard time accepting a person in her 30s as a leader…

OK… I admit, I might have used Ruby as bait to get you to read my views on Snowland Politics, but when the Citizens of a country refuse to accept my theory, I have no choice but to export it…

A Crash-Course In Snowland Polit(r)ic(k)s

After spending eons as the ruling party, the Liberal Party (LP) were recently replaced by the Progressive Conservatives (PC or Tories to their enemies) in Canada… The LP was actually flying the course smoothly, until a sponsorship scandal crashed it… And now for those who love a little irony in their course, the major factor involved in bringing the LP to power during the early 90s was actually the Air Bus scandal by the PC… (In 1984, PC led by their leader Brian Mulroney came to power with the largest parliamentary majority in Canadian History, but in 1993 they saw their majority slip down to just two seats… And the LP led by Jean Chretien would take over the business, only to lose it back to the PC in 2006)…

Snowland’s Unique Technique of Choosing A Government

Snowland has to be the coolest place to live… And mostly because of the way the citizens choose their government… Just like most other countries, almost 50% of the citizens don’t care about politics (or simply don’t vote), so we can ignore those folks… But its the other half (or actual voters) who make Snowland a unique country…

In most countries, citizens elect their leaders based on campaign promises, but in Snowland they do it based on the amount comic relief they are willing to provide… And this probably has to do with the two government sponsored 24/7 Comedy Channels on the tube known as Parliamentary Channels (French & English), which covers the daily proceedings live (and later reruns it a few times) … Now I honestly don’t know when these channels actually started, but a few pundits have pointed they have been around since the early 80s…

Now to prove my theory, I’m going to turn the spotlight on two leaders who pretty much held on to Party Leadership for a long period… To be unbaised, I have picked one from the PC and the other from the LP…

(1) Jean Chrétien ( Canadian PM From 1993 – 2003)

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(2) Martin Brian Mulroney (Canadian PM From 1984 – 1993)

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These two leaders were able to hold onto the party-leader ship for a long period because:

  • They looked funny
  • They acted funny
  • They sounded funny

So the twelve or thirteen ( if you want to add Ruby to the list) Liberal Leadership canditates should start working on these three qualities to win…

 

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A Simple Thought Expanded…

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So I was thinking (Red Alert: Nuisance To Follow), why do we never hear  news stories on how an “Employee of the Month” from McDonalds showed up at a camp filled with over-weight beings holding a tray full of Big Macs to give a lecture on the dangers of obesity…

If there was actually a thing called “common sense” and all humans owned a piece of it, they would probably say this is a dumb idea… I mean, they would probably call it playing dangerous mind games using temptation (with enough stories about temptation in myths to rationalize)… OK! No problem, I can play along with that…

But then would someone please explain to the Simpleton, why he continues to hear stories about Miss Universe visiting areas that have been labeled as “AIDS stricken zones of the world” to  promote safe-sex… The Simpleton’s idea to promote safe-sex would be to send old folks  and  have them share their sex stories…

This thought actually reminds me of an interesting person I had once met on a plane  (between 1997 – 2001, I did more flying than superman)… Once a doctor in Congo, but now part of sales team for a Telecom Company in the US… Why did the doctor become a salesperson?… Well! His story went something like this:

Being part of a group of doctors who had to go into rural areas of Congo to treat and prevent AIDS, he slowly lost interest in the medical profession… I was told, most of these villages were very conservative as far as discussions on sex goes, so to promote safe-sex via use of a condom, they had to use a banana to represent the male sex organ… What followed was a shortage of bananas within the village, and many reports of unpeeled “condom wearing”  bananas in the local trash cans…

To end this nuisance, I would like to thank the bitch next door ( and I’m referring to the female dog here and not the lady who owns her) for barking and inspiring me with this thought… A Bark which I had translated as cry from a dog wondering why dogs and other female animals (not to mention Aliens) are not represented in a pageant called Miss Universe…

Now think about that… On a second thought, Please don’t think about that or if you really want to do me favour, please don’t think when you read my scribblings…

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Mahapurush And The Art Of Farce

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Having crowned myself as the King of Patience, it sort of bugs me to think that I have never been able to sit thru any of the Apu Trilogy movies…And this goes back to the campus days, when the Faculty of Arts would host Satyajit Ray Week every year… “Free Refreshments” was all they had to put on that flyer to catch my attention, yet I have always walked out of the Apu Movies (Yes…Without the free food)…

Now, if I were to lie on a couch with a lady shrink asking me for the true reasons why I can’t sit thru Apu Movies, I have no choice but to blame it on the granny… It all starts with the refusal of water to the old granny, I simply can’t buy the thought  that any person would be cruel enough to do that to an old lady… I could sort of understand states or even countries not wanting to share water, but why wouldn’t humans want to share… Oh! Wait, I think I just got an ESP…OK, it reads “a group of humans form a state” and “a group of states form a country”… In that case, I’m withdrawing my statement… There is absolutely nothing wrong with refusing water to granny…  The problem is not with Apu Trilogy…

IMHO, Ray was a man born to make farce…

A wise person once said, “Laughter is an orgasm by the intercourse of reason with unreason” … and Satire, pretty much defines this orgasm…

If I had to come-up with my favourite Ray Movie, “MAHAPURUSH” (aka The Holy Man”) would be the one…

The Simpleton’s summarized version of MAHAPURUSH goes like this:

Opening Scene:

A retired lawyer Gurupada (Prasad Mukherjee) and his daughter, Buchi (Gitali Roy) are sharing a compartment with the holy man Birinchi Baba (Charuprakash Gosh) and his assistant (Rabi Gosh) during a train journey… Baba performs what seems to be a miracle good enough to convince Gurupada to become Baba’s devotee… 

Next Important Scene:

We get to see a part of Kolkata’s 50s/60s Adda culture in the form of Nibran (Soman Bose), Satya (Satindra Bhattachryya) and others… Satya, who happens to be Buchi’s Boyfriend, quickly finds out that she too has become Baba’s devotee, jeopardizing their future…

Satya turns to Nibran (who Ray tries to project as the leader of this adda group) for help in order to expose Baba as a fake… And that pretty much sums up of MAHAPURUSH…

Simpleton’s Thoughts:

In the post 9/11 era, I doubt anyone would attempt to make a movie like MAHAPURUSH…And the reason here seems to be the unwritten rules of Political Correctness…  Within my own twisted mind, I often see Political Correctness being used by some humans to create an illusion rather than prevention of human sentiments being hurt… The creators of such illusion are those who use Religion more for Political purposes than Spiritual… Those who use religion for political purposes better start praying with the hope  that God delivers to the poor, because if those folks become skeptic, a nation  will find it hard to shut the doors to the 3Rs (Revolts, Revolutions & Radicals)…

MAHAPURUSH is actually based on a short story by  Rajasekhar “Parasuram” Basu (1880-1960) … Basu often is considered as one of the best Indian Satirist and after reading his 1945 short story “The Rise and Fall of Gammans,” I have no desire to argue…

Birinchi Baba being a fake is pretty much established within the opening frames of the movie (just pay attention to his assistant)… So the movie  is more about his  middle and upper class followers… This Baba has very little philosophy  for the poor, so he tends attract the wealthy educated folks …

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Baba presents himself as an ageless man, so he has a lot of stories from the past to share with his devoted followers… Some of my favourite Baba Stories: 

  • His arguments with Plato (or Pluto according to Baba) over time
  • How he taught Einstein E=MC²
  • The Crucifixion of christ was actually a crusifact as Baba had seen it with his own eyes

But Baba’s best sales pitch comes in the form of a theory about clockwise and counter clockwise movement of his fingers and how it relates to past and present… You have to see it to believe it or even not to believe it (Click on scene 3 from the SmashHits Link provided at the bottom)…

Apart from Baba, Ray runs wild with the Adda… For those unfamiliar with the term, Adda is nothing more than a group of people getting together and arguing over various topics for just time pass… Romans used the forum, Greeks used the Symposium and in the modern era we have discussion forums, chat rooms and of course blogs for the same purpose…

Below is Nibran, reminiscing about Swami Taritanda (Ray did not shy away from picking names that would rhyme with popular icons)…

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Another creative and humorous scene is when Ray beams with this little method to describe the match-making process involved in bringing Satya and Buchi together…

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The idea behind MAHAPURUSH is not to poke fun at Baba or even any Religion, but just to show the foolishness of  his followers… It begins with why the two main characters get involved with Baba… Gurupada does it because he is unable to cope with his wife’s death… But, Buchi is simply using Baba to make Satya jealous and sort of trying get his attention on her…

Scenes From MAHAPURUSH (No Subtitles) From SmashHits.com

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